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I remember when becoming a mother was all I ever wanted in life. It begins when you realize that magic is happening right inside of you. YOU are creating life. YOU are beautiful and amazing. YOU can eat an obscene amount of food and nobody will say a word. You, my friend, are embarking on becoming the lady from the jewelry store commercials. Your skin is glowing, your belly is growing, and the next chapter of your fairy tale is about to begin.
Now, to let all of you future parent/suckers in on a little secret. It recently came to my attention that I have become a victim of believing what I see on TV about motherhood. Oh sure, those sweet little faces and cuddly moments are worth any trade off, but I have noticed that I am slowly eeking out the characteristics I used to detest in the vanity of my 20's.
My oldest child is 8 and he has three younger siblings. I don't always remember their names because they all look alike. They also tend to run in packs and join together in knowing absolutely nothing about anything when something gets broken. They have voracious appetites and subsist mainly on crackers and fruit with an occasional cereal. They have very refined palates and will critique anything you cook that is not hot dogs or macaroni and cheese. They are nocturnal and speak some sort of giggly jibber jabber well into the night without responding to stern reprimanding or flickering lights. Many times they work in shifts to keep my husband and I awake throughout the night. I am only assuming this is for scientific research to find out how long the human body can go without sleep. So far, eight years is my record.
With all of the lack of sleep, I am always looking for the quick fix in an attempt to stay beautiful. Sometimes I put my hair in rollers. If you are using hot rollers you are a mom.
Hot rollers are the beauty industry's joke on moms. It's a way to identify them quickly from a crowd because the stretch marks, tired eyes, and general haggard appearance isn't always a giveaway. Occasionally, one of the smarter moms realizes this. (I call them smarter but in reality, they just got the kid that sleeps). She will quickly throw out the hot rollers because she has time for such things as wash and blow-dry. Bitch. On the bright side, she will one day think she can handle one of those short haircuts, even though hardly any woman looks really good with short soccer mom hair. What? I'm sorry, it's true. Stop judging me for judging you. Grow your hair. I'm tired of fighting. I haven't slept in eight years. Can't we just drink Starbucks?
As a mom, at some point since giving away your youth, the severity of the stain became important. Every piece of clothing that a mom owns likely has a flaw of some sort. It's ok, she can still cover them with a sweater or scarf most of the time. If her cover sweater has a stain too, she can accessorize with some sort of loud flower. Oh how I love to talk about accessories. I remember those.
As a mom, you will look down at your shirt, notice the jelly hand print on your gorgeous blue blouse, and just say "oh well", as you put your coat on. It's not like you are going on a date. You are just going to the grocery, pediatrician, or your mom's house anyway, and they don't care. If you were going to a meeting of other moms to discuss who is the better mom, you would care. Those are the days you remember that hot rollers are a bad idea and you need clean clothes. If you are feeling particularly saucy, this is a good time to just pop in on the mom you don't like strictly because she did it to you. It's always good to bust another woman in hot roller hair and stained clothing. It's part of the food chain. Bring her a Starbucks, (full fat caramel macchiato) smile, and act nonchalant as she explains that her house isn't always dirty. This is your chance to make a friend or a frienemy. It's your choice. If you choose frienemy, you get to keep them at a distance. Just think about it. Go ahead, judge me, it's fine...you and your short hair.
Cooking and posting on social media is the new territory of this generation. Mom's like to post what they have cooked on social media. It's kind of a Star-Belly Sneetch of motherhood. "My kids are eating beluga caviar and triple aged sharp truffle cheese". Nobody ever posts "I gave my children White Castle cheeseburgers and worry that someone will call child protective services".
Moms, If you want to make a good impression, have your sister (who takes way better pictures than you) cook a few amazing meals, take pictures, and send them to you. Then, when you are having a hot roller kind of week, post one of these pictures on social media and watch all of the other moms ooh and aah over how incredibly talented you are. Yes, it's kind of like food plagiarism, but frankly, you are covering your stains with stains. What have you got to lose? Just remember to keep the mystery about yourself so that when you are invited to a party and asked to fix it, you can either reject the invitation or tell everyone that you are trying the raw vegan lifestyle.
Hiding. Come on, admit it, you do it. We all hide. My husband hides in the bathroom. Seriously, I haven't spent more than 5 minutes in the bathroom since 2005 out of fear that someone will fall down the stairs, out of a tree, or be sucked into the air ventilation system. My husband on the other hand, spends an obscene amount of time in the bathroom. I don't bother him about it but honestly, I don't know that he has any digestive issues and sometimes I think I hear him snoring. I suspect he is sleeping while I run after kids like some sort of schmuck.
Hiding is best done with food since this will be the only time you eat without sharing. I prefer to sit on the the old exercise step system in the back of my closet, but that's just me. Everyone is different. It can be the mini barn, attic, or laundry room because you are the only person that really goes in there. Do whatever you want. This is your time. Just make sure you have a barrier between you and the kids so that when they discover you are hiding, they don't have direct access to you. It's important during food sneaking and hiding or even important telephone call hiding, that you have something in the way that the kids can bang on and yell for you through. This way you can be certain that they are ok during your hide time. Every mom knows that when things get quiet, it's time to worry. Hey look at that! You are a multitasker!
Reality television shows of today are the soap operas of yesterday. It's dramatic, it's catty, it's everything a soap opera is only it's with real fake people, not fake real people. I now understand why women like soap operas. It's not about the show, the people or anything really. It's an escape. I vow to watch smutty women's TV because they drive better cars than me, wear fancier clothes, have more interesting lives, and most importantly, nobody else in my family can stand to watch it. It's mine, all mine. If I turn on the real housewives of Bulgaria, I am certain to have the television all to myself. Sure, a kid or two may wander in and out of the room because I am having a snack and they are on snack patrol at all times, but they will certainly get bored quickly enough and leave again.
I honestly don't care if Carlita and The Dame of Povania get into a fight with the well-known ferret lunch meat heiress. It's just like watching high school all over again, and that makes me feel young. Besides, I have a morbid curiosity about the lack of facial movement. Look, she is crying, but nothing is happening. Her mouth looks kind of sad and tears are rolling down her face but NOTHING ELSE IS MOVING! It's interesting. It's fascinating. Did you know people with sweaty armpits put botox in them to keep the sweat down? Really! Perhaps I have gotten off the topic.
So, I guess what I am saying is that smutty television is just a coping mechanism. Imagine a padded exercise stair in the back of a closet with a reality TV channel. Wouldn't that be amazing? Point made.
Motherhood has reached far beyond my expectations. Sometimes I am an amazing mom, and sometimes I forget how many children I have while I am in public. It has been the most unpredictable adventure of my life. I like to think that the handprint jelly stain on my blue blouse will just be a reminder of how sweet and little they once were. Perhaps I will just add it to the hoard of artwork and crafts that I save next to my exercise step in the back of my closet. The days sure do go quickly and I don't want to miss anything. Secretly, I think the kids realize this and that's why they keep us awake. They really are smart little boogers.
